


the bitemarks in my own lips

by soueikaku



Category: Original Work
Genre: General Trigger Warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-02-15 09:52:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13028529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soueikaku/pseuds/soueikaku
Summary: ...





	1. Chapter 1

i pull the blade

once, twice

i pull the blade

slash slice

 

i go one or two, three or four

soon it escalates into too much more

everyones asking me what went wrong

but thats all i see

everything thats gone

 

its not enough

it never is

never was

all i want is the love i deserve

is that so tough to give to me?

 

its really not

you know it as much as i do

dont you?

you know it too well

we all do

every human ever hearing these words from our souls

its endless

dark

cold

empty

 

nothing is real

is it?


	2. Chapter 2

its never good

never will be

they claim it gets better

but we never see

 

its not true, is it?

youre all a bunch of liars

robots coded with the same lieus and pleas

oh dont do it! we love you

i dont care

 

you say the same things

over and over

and i didnt ask for them

i just wanted to say something in my clouded mind

yet you had to barge in and ruin it all

 

red red red

those scars on my skin

the dots and picks

the scabs on my shins

 

the slabs of meat worn off my thighs

yet i look in the mirror i see fat

whats there to appreciate about my disgusting self

littered with stretches of flesh and past traumas reminding me of experiences i never wanted

 

being shot

being hit by a car

trying to kill myself so many times

the one time i hit a glass table out of anger because of my mother

 

mothers dont cause rage

thats what fathers are for

haha. youre an idiot

shes the horrid one

 

abuse abus abu

rape

ive been raped

molested

 

molly mullen

molly mullen 

molly mullen

m̸̶̡͈͈̱̤̻̤̟̦̱͕̠̠̩̟͍͈ͬ̔̆ͫ͒͐ͯͤ̋͒ͮͣ͠͞o̸̡̟̣̪̺̦̍ͯ͆̈́ͪ̂̏̎ͧl̸̡̢̨̠̭̹̹͍̖̙̲̗̣̼̪̟̘̾́̽ͨ̆̾̔̾̃̓ͪ̆̊͝l̶̨̥͎̣̹̼͕̰̠̼̤̖̹͙̮̺̭̪ͬͤ͛ͩ̊̂̽͑ͯ͗ͫ̕ͅͅy̸̨͋̏̂̅̇̎̃̇ͤ͐͂̐ͭͬ͞҉͙̺̱͕̺̪͖̰̪̜͖ͅͅͅͅ ̷̧͍̗̓͛͛͐̒̍̓ͨ̋ͣ͛̌̓͊̕ͅm̴̩̭̰͍̘̯͗́ͬ̃̏ͩ̽͛́͌̉͡u̷̵̗͉͚̬̫̻͇͎̭͈̯̙̜͐̓͛̑̆̾̋ͫ̆͘ḷ̴͉̰͖̱̠̯̻̯̫͓̜͓̥̐̍ͫ͐̆͘͟l͙͍͚̤͙̳͇̞̤ͬ͛ͧ̋̅ͭͯ͐̎͌̃̊̆̉̒͘ę̶͖̥̮̲͚̩̖̱̱̺̲̲̥̳̥̫̙̝͓ͮ̓̄̎̈́̄̆ͭ̔̊̕ņ̓̎͆͌͋҉̡̢̜͎͔̟̞͖̮̙̲̝̤


	3. Chapter 3

i wonder

if anyone genuinely feels if a sibling of theirs shouldve never been born

and sure that sounds morbid and disgusting

i am for sure those things, we proved those long ago, hadnt we?

but yes

 

guinness should have never been born

he died anyway, so what was the point of prolonging his disgusting lifespan?

he tore this family apart

he ripped my innocence away

he ripped away my happiness

 

i hate that child

he broke my family

and now im no longer the child my parents call a present surprise

instead im a failure and a mistake, someone who should have died long ago

 

you dont understand that, do you?

holding your newborn brother in your arms at the age of 6

only to be laughing at his death 8 years later because you simply  _dont care_

 

its simple

im a psychopath

i just dont care

why should i?

 

to give you selfish pleasure is a joke

almost as much as one as my teenage angst

you may call it edgy but in my eyes its a call for help

 

my meds dont help

i want to die but dont

its conflicting

i want out

just want a simple break. purgatory, perhaps

 

maybe im already there, its just not as pleasant as i thought

ha, what do i care

not like i believe in those things anyway

i mean, weve already proved earth is the true hell.

why else would reincarnation exist?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sexual warning

today i admitted to her that self harm makes me aroused

the look of shock in her eyes made me laugh

silently, of course

she couldn't know

 

i love making her cry and yell

it gives me some sick thrill

watching her plead for death 

something ive craved since i was young

 

apathy describes me best

lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern

im egotistical

excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centered

im better than all of you

 

cry, i find it hilarious

scream, i find it hilarious

laugh, i find it disgusting

get hurt, i get thrilled

 

i dream of plunging a knife into my stomach and playing with my entrails 

dont you know how spongey intestines feel?

blood is so cute

and hot

i want it all over my body

 

the other day i saw a character ive loved for years stabbing one who i see as myself

i ejaculated in less than a minute, a new record

i counted

47 seconds

im disgusting, but wheres the fun in being clean?

 

i beg others for cigarettes

im not legal to buy them myself

but whats the fun in legality?

someday ill upgrade my little bits of shoplifting

from charms to expensive jewelry

 

im a criminal

ive gotten away with fraud

i know things i shouldnt

i stalk people

i am a freak

 

but i am delicious

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

i dont know

how to feel about you, for sure.

youre sweet

youre silky

youre  _honey_

but do my odd obsessions make you jealous?

 

i love you.

i do.

youre cute

almond

chocolate

soft

caring

I Need That.

 

i always worry

that im just not doing _enough_

im not worthy of your endless pools of love

i tell myself

but i drown in that husky voice of yours

and wonder why i ever doubted myself in the first place

 

gray matter

plagues my soul

but you make it red

my favorite color

a color of brashness and royalty

you make me feel as if i am a god

 

i love you

i love you too much

too much for our good

too much for our good

too much

too much

too much

TOO MUCH


	6. Chapter 6

im embarassed by my interests

skeletons, drunks, monkeys

stupid? right?

im stupid

ill always be

people call me intelligent but my 

my actions are ridicule worthy

i call myself a writer

when truly, im just a depressed nobody

 

poetry isnt my thing

used to be, but then mental illness struck like a hungry cobra

i broke

im broken

ill forever be shattered like the second level of my vanity

disgusting

 

i dont deserve the people i have

my family can rot

my friends?

angels

my boyfriend?

God.

 

for i love him like a follower of jesus' teachings of love and peace

im swell

not one of his many men

but i feel as if hes true and right here 

up in toronto, where i wish to be

cradled in his arms like the babe i shed my skin to achieve the form of

how valuable of him

 

to be mine

 


	7. Chapter 7

it seems

that you misunderstood what i tell you by love

i am enamoured

i am aroused

i am obsessed

i am craving and greedy for your attention

 

you notice my wims

yet spit in my fucking face

you dont deserve anything

you prick

 

you joke of horrors like racism and nazism

its not a joke you sick fuck

why do you say this

why are you so interanalized

 

why do i love you?

 

why couldn't i settle down with someone ive dated previous

why cant i just breathe fresh air 

not sing as if im a crane in the freshest of olden springs

it is nothing

nothingness haunts me like a murder of crows

 

everfree, everdream

you are boring

you are wasteful

you are rude

you are borderline horrible

 

yet i crave your touch like a fountain of youth


	8. Chapter 8

it's almost like i crave beings of foulness

your stench is so delicious and i sip it like the oldest of wines

disgusting

disgusting

you're disgusting

i am disgusting

a perfect pair

swan and dodo

 

one freely birthed into the loving embrace of life

one ruined to extinction

extinction

a powerful word

the state or process of a species, family, or larger group being or becoming extinct.

incredible

why is incredible shown in that off a positive light?

it does not make sense for me

in-, meaning negative

credible, meaning feasible

why would you want to be not feasible?

it shocks me

you shock me

 

i wish you loved me

you're as addicting as love can get

i want you so badly

so

so

badly.

yet...

im left

to rot

 

this is stupid

im stupid

we're all stupid

all of us

 

fuck you all

bastards

 


	9. Chapter 9

i am completely, utterly, in love with you

with your laugh

your hair

your eyes

your voice

 

you are so beautiful

my dreamy seraph

youve made me feel again

i feel happy

yet i dread it

i wonder when itll end

im never allowed to feel this way for long

 

i wish you...

you loved me

i wish that

but for now we shall remain as best friends

 

everyone thinks we are an item

yet...

you resist

why do you?

im not angry for it

just a tad confused

 

my favorite star in the universe

burning so bright with the most beautiful of illumination

youre the head of my constellation of love

while i suffocate

you are my fresh air

when i am drowning

youre my savior

 

when i travel to those dark places

youre my light

you pull me from the void with a smile on your face

despite me being bloody and scarred

you love me for who i am

 

you are serene

you are an angel

i love you more than jonathan or stephen

i love you, alexander


	10. Chapter 10

my breath is filled with praise for you

my friends know you as the one i love dearly

youve made me feel whole again

the empty piece of my heart missing...

it is filled with your love

 

i know you dream of being in cameron’s arms

you deny it 

but i see

and i wish you could be, my love

but alas, we must not always get what we want

 

i wish i could make people love you as much as i do

you have a gorgeous heart and a loving personality buried so deep

i love that side of you

you make me feel so warm

and ive never liked the heat

but with you...

i love it

 

i speak about you with landon all the time

about how much i adore your being

youre so stunning

youre my sunset

when you remember the things i like, i feel special

 

as i told you once

i feel as if ive gone through so much darkness

but i found my love of color 

within your soul

you are beautiful

stunning

captivating

 

your front is ugly

yet i love it anyways

youre very funny

you always make me laugh

 

i love when you play snare

my dream instrument

its cute

youre cute

my adorable angel

 

you are so sugar sweet

i want to make you so happy

i dont know if im doing a good job

but i hope i am

because i love you

from the very bottom of my damaged heart

 

you have inspired me to heal


	11. Chapter 11

despite my praise for you

i feel as if im failing...

everyday it is something new

i feel bad for hurting you

i want to be completely soft with you

but we both know that wouldnt work

 

wheres the fun in being mushy?

i mean, sure, there probably is a way, but it is not what either of us pursue

we are rude by nature

but its fun

youre fun

 

i have many regrets pertaining to our friendship

in many ways i have caused you stress

which i do not wish to do

but i just cannot restrain myself

 

i hope you dont think im crazy

 


	12. Chapter 12

i finally feel as if a weight has been lifted

for you are mine

and i am yours

my body is deteriorating

but my heart is being restored

by your love

by your care

by your voice

you always make me select the right choice

for that i applaud you

for doing what no other could

and sometimes i wonder

why you ever should

 

but that is plentiful

and you

beautiful

for your eyes are the darkest ive ever seen

the most beautiful of browns

you are angelic in ways indescribable by the human language

tongues of the old could not label your serenity

for you are my angel

my one and only

 

you may not see it right now

but my love for you is holier than the most virgin of prophets

it is pure as the sky's gentle light

you are unbridled, untainted nature

you are the secondary sky in my eyes

the one that will always stand near me in times of shallowness

for you are my blinding light

that makes me want to see again

 

you are the stars that make up the galaxy

that freckle the blues like snowflakes of permanence

the hints of red among your tones make it breathtaking

you have made me speechless

and you have made me feel whole


	13. Chapter 13

> EVERYTHING WENT WRONG
> 
> WHY DID I DO THAT
> 
> I‘M SO SORRY
> 
> ALEXANDER COME BACK
> 
> I NEED YOU
> 
> YOU’RE MINE
> 
> NO ONE ELSES
> 
> PLEASE COME BACK
> 
> PLEASE
> 
> I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOU LIKE THAT 
> 
> I’M SO SORRY


End file.
